Sometimes we have time to sit and think. I've recently been moving at rapid pace, thinking. While I push through with my plans, I'm dealing with emotions that I wasn't prepared for. I've tried to put my mental stress on hold while I've been moving at this fast pace. Pushing through everyday trying my best to stay focused, positive, and myself. I've been told before to really look at what you're going through and face your emotions. I figured that the first step would be to ask myself, why am I so upset, what is really bothering me, or what's the root of issue?
It hit me pretty quick one day. I was driving through town when a peaceful thought came to mind. What I figured out, I had no idea would be linked to my family. We were sitting at the dinner table when my sister and I both addressed our issues with the same thought. She was going through a friendship break up and me, a relationship break up. My sister and I came to the same realization. Our Mom didn't raise us this way! Our Mom taught us to work through issues, give it your best shot, to not back down. My Mom didn't raise me to leave someone you care about or better yet, love, becuase things got hard. My Mom taught us to deal with issues head on and not to give up just because the tough got going. She taught us to stand for what we believe in even if that meant standing alone. Most important, she taught us that words are powerful. She used to tell us "it's not what you say, its how you say it." I refrence that phrase quite often. She always said to us to "be the better person." These phrases are embedded in my brain and I refer to them quite often. These quotes are made to build strong daughters.
My sister and I both said it at the same time, "Mom you raised us better then that." I'm the second oldest of 4 and the 2nd of 3 daughters. My mom is a proud mother of 4 and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Pennies for a Broken Heart
Starring at my unpacked boxes wrapped in duct tape, I'm wondering where I'm going to put all my clothes. Opening the boxes I'm wondering, how much money I could get for all of this stuff? Formal type dresses from the mall, special occasion dresses, jeans meant for a cowgirl, and business suits meant for a professional. Reminders of him are embedded in these threads. In this moment I want to sell them, burn them, give them away, anything to cleanse myself of all these memories. The beautiful red dress he kindly bought me, I can't bare to part with but can't stand the thought of. How we looked so nice together, him in his blue uniform and me in a stunning red dress. Nail polish, my night cream, make up he bought me, hair spray, even my curling irons are small reminders of my old routine that doesn't exist anymore. I can't bare to touch any of it.
I've been home almost 2 weeks now and I'm rolling through emotions. I've thought several times about selling everything I can just to soothe my heart and my bank account. The gold flower necklace that he graciously surprised me, which made my heart melt, is buried in a box. Part of me wished it was lost. But there it was, staring at me. Pawn it, sell, give it back, or keep it. Keep it for what? Memories of something that will never be and a promise he couldn't keep. I'm blindsided by these emotions. I decide it's time to walk away. Plus, I don't have any hangers :)
I'm wondering at what cost can you fix a broken heart? New clothes, new routines, a vacation, maybe even a one way ticket home with my boxes. What does it all add up to? You can't ask for saline, silicone, or even botox to fix it.. what about gel? I didn't think so. So here's where I stand. With no job, no car, and no place to call my own. If only I was a water fountain, people could throw pennies at me and make a wish. Maybe one for them and one for me? I could pick up the pennies piece by piece, place them in my heart, and wish for it to be sealed. If only fixing a broken heart was as easy as making change.
Once things pick up I'll be recycling my clothes along with memories, packing up an empty suitcase waiting to be filled with new memories, and side by side running with life. No matter what the cost, penny by penny, dollar for dollar, this heart will do what it takes to be new again.
*Brittany E.
I've been home almost 2 weeks now and I'm rolling through emotions. I've thought several times about selling everything I can just to soothe my heart and my bank account. The gold flower necklace that he graciously surprised me, which made my heart melt, is buried in a box. Part of me wished it was lost. But there it was, staring at me. Pawn it, sell, give it back, or keep it. Keep it for what? Memories of something that will never be and a promise he couldn't keep. I'm blindsided by these emotions. I decide it's time to walk away. Plus, I don't have any hangers :)
I'm wondering at what cost can you fix a broken heart? New clothes, new routines, a vacation, maybe even a one way ticket home with my boxes. What does it all add up to? You can't ask for saline, silicone, or even botox to fix it.. what about gel? I didn't think so. So here's where I stand. With no job, no car, and no place to call my own. If only I was a water fountain, people could throw pennies at me and make a wish. Maybe one for them and one for me? I could pick up the pennies piece by piece, place them in my heart, and wish for it to be sealed. If only fixing a broken heart was as easy as making change.
Once things pick up I'll be recycling my clothes along with memories, packing up an empty suitcase waiting to be filled with new memories, and side by side running with life. No matter what the cost, penny by penny, dollar for dollar, this heart will do what it takes to be new again.
*Brittany E.
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