Starring at my unpacked boxes wrapped in duct tape, I'm wondering where I'm going to put all my clothes. Opening the boxes I'm wondering, how much money I could get for all of this stuff? Formal type dresses from the mall, special occasion dresses, jeans meant for a cowgirl, and business suits meant for a professional. Reminders of him are embedded in these threads. In this moment I want to sell them, burn them, give them away, anything to cleanse myself of all these memories. The beautiful red dress he kindly bought me, I can't bare to part with but can't stand the thought of. How we looked so nice together, him in his blue uniform and me in a stunning red dress. Nail polish, my night cream, make up he bought me, hair spray, even my curling irons are small reminders of my old routine that doesn't exist anymore. I can't bare to touch any of it.
I've been home almost 2 weeks now and I'm rolling through emotions. I've thought several times about selling everything I can just to soothe my heart and my bank account. The gold flower necklace that he graciously surprised me, which made my heart melt, is buried in a box. Part of me wished it was lost. But there it was, staring at me. Pawn it, sell, give it back, or keep it. Keep it for what? Memories of something that will never be and a promise he couldn't keep. I'm blindsided by these emotions. I decide it's time to walk away. Plus, I don't have any hangers :)
I'm wondering at what cost can you fix a broken heart? New clothes, new routines, a vacation, maybe even a one way ticket home with my boxes. What does it all add up to? You can't ask for saline, silicone, or even botox to fix it.. what about gel? I didn't think so. So here's where I stand. With no job, no car, and no place to call my own. If only I was a water fountain, people could throw pennies at me and make a wish. Maybe one for them and one for me? I could pick up the pennies piece by piece, place them in my heart, and wish for it to be sealed. If only fixing a broken heart was as easy as making change.
Once things pick up I'll be recycling my clothes along with memories, packing up an empty suitcase waiting to be filled with new memories, and side by side running with life. No matter what the cost, penny by penny, dollar for dollar, this heart will do what it takes to be new again.
*Brittany E.
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